something for me

i always have this dream.  this ambition. but i guess, i never really made it a priority.  at the back of my head, i was thinking that if it will happen, it just will.

i thought i took steps in achieving that dream, but as i look at them now, it all seems to be baby steps.. or easy ways.. and when of course i didn't get what i dreamed of, i just told myself, that i guess, it's just really not meant to be.

but i still never let go of that dream.  even if i'm not really doing anything about it.  and now, i'm sort of glad i didn't..

it sure feels like the first time that i've worked my ass off in getting a step closer to this dream.  i have defied my laziness, insecurities and finances (as much as i can).

i have been telling people, that i think it comes with age.. that maybe or most probably, time is running out.  this actually what made me decide.  that i should go for it.  no more excuses.. we no longer have time for that.  it's time to jump and take the plunge.

as the days go by, inch by inch i come closer to what would be the biggest reality check of this dream.  i can't dismiss the fact that my heart is pounding.. almost out of my ribcage.  and i'm scared that if it happens to crumble into pieces, i would go with it.

i hope not..

there are a lot of things i can tell myself so that it wouldn't happen.  but how do you really let go of a dream?  how do you stop believing?  when all your life, this is something you really want to do everyday.

try again?  can i still afford to?

i guess, if it would zap me into depression, it simply means that it's not good for me... right?

okay.. right now, what i need is to give it my best shot.. to avoid regrets and stop what ifs.  with regards to failure, let's cross the bridge when we get there.  i might write again.. 

WANTED: Best Friend

When I was, I think, 4 to 6 years old, my mom asked me who my best friend was.  I blurted out the name of the popular girl in school.  Mommy asked why, I said it's because she's the daughter of one of the members of the faculty.  Then, my mom said I should have a different best friend: Jesus.

Okay, I'm all for that Jesus-Is-My-Best-friend part, but I think that if the option is limited to mere human beings, you really need one.  Although I might have already lost a majority of the readers after that last paragraph. Hahahahahaha!

I "tried" to be the best friend of the popular girl, but I guess she's just too popular for me or I just think I'm more popular than her.  Ha!  Or maybe what my mother said got stuck.  I guess, I'll never know.

Then, during the first part of grade school, I early on lost myself, even if I'm not sure if I was able to find myself in the first place.  Well, do you really know yourself when you're eight?  Too bad, it was not the case for me.  The people I call friends are questionable even to me simply because I was everyone's friend, even if I know this person doesn't even like this other person and both are my best friends.  So, I guess, talking behind someone's back was developed by this stage with the help of the need of having a best friend.

Moving out did not really help in my quest of having a best friend, or so I thought.  But it sure did help in having a clean slate and opening a lot of opportunities of finding one.  That's why I was beyond thrilled when I found 3!  I had three.. and they were sort of my world.  After I got over myself, of course.

Then, high school happened.  One by one we grew apart.  Until we think we don't know each other anymore.  Although, I know in the back of our heads, at the bottom of our hearts, we will have this special thing going on...

And before I knew it, I have 7 best friends!  Although, college made it fast and short.  Some things run deeper over time.. and only time was able to tell.

And somehow, growing up once more managed to mess things up.. or at the least, shed a different light on the best friend I want to have..

Maybe I guess, it's too late to have a new best friend if you didn't have one, a real one, at the age of 8.  And my last resort, my last hope, was finding one in my life partner..  Ideal, but not entirely a good idea.  Especially, if you're not treated to be one.. and worse if they never knew.

deadlines

i'm not sure when i've started living with deadlines. maybe it's something i picked up in school, in doing projects and all that $h!+..

then, i started working and deadlines meant money.

but then i realized, (well, actually someone pointed it out and told me that it's a good thing) that i have been using deadlines in my personal and everyday life..

deadline in waking up.. in finishing a book.. in talking to someone.. in sending a text message.. in moving on..

now, i'm giving "us" until my birthday (in manila time).. then, it's again another deadline.

wala lang

Your Fragrance Profile

The best calming fragrance: jasmine The best fragrance for everyday wear: sandalwood The best fragrance to boost your sex appeal: rose The best fragrance for energy: peppermint

What's Your Fragrance Profile?

numb

i think i have gone numb. or i've lost the emotions of a woman and turned into a guy.
but don't get me wrong.. i'm not turning into a guy.. it's just that the feelings and reactions in a relationship is that of a guy's..

so, how are guys in a relationship?! apathetic. (okay, so, not all are, but most)

or maybe my guard is just up.. but when you love, don't you have yourself susceptible to hurt and pain?!

waaaah!! i'm starting to confuse myself..

it's like, i'm starting to make a point and then, i would contradict myself..

haaay.. i need time to think, but i don't want to! i think it would drive me crazier!

crapping out...

This is something I read few weeks ago... and this is my heroic attempt.. to save lives,,,( well... those who deserve to live,,(evil laugh) .. it might help... add few mili second of your existence.


The Day After A Stressful Event, Rats Lose Brain Cells

Guys,,,,, A single, socially stressful situation can kill off new nerve cells in the brain region that processes learning, memory, and emotion, and possibly contribute to depression, new animal research shows.
yup you heard it right,,,
Researchers found that in young rats, the stress of encountering aggressive, older rats did not stop the generation of new nerve cells--the first step in the process of neurogenesis. But stress did prevent the cells, located in the hippocampus, from surviving, leaving fewer new neurons for processing feelings and emotions.

The hippocampus is one of two regions of the brain that continues to develop new nerve cells throughout life, in both rats and humans. The reduction of neurogenesis could be one cause of depression, says senior author Daniel Peterson, PhD, of the Rosalind Franklin University of Medicine and Science, near Chicago. His team reports their findings in the March 14 issue of The Journal of Neuroscience.

"This is strong evidence that the effects of social stress on neurogenesis occur after a delay of 24 hours or more, providing a possible time window for treatment after acute episodes of stress," says Henriette van Praag, PhD, of the Salk Institute for Biological Studies.

When Peterson and his research team put a young rat in a cage with two older rats for 20 minutes, the resident rats quickly pinned down and, in many cases, bit the intruder. The team reported that intruder rats were fearful and acted depressed around the bigger, more mature animals and had stress hormone levels six times as high as young rats that didn't experience a stressful encounter.

Examining the rats' brains under a microscope, the scientists discovered that even with high levels of stress hormones, the young, stressed rats generated as many new cells as their unstressed counterparts. Previous research had led some to think that hormone levels played a role in blocking the generation of new cells or caused them to die early on. But a week after the encounter, the team found that only a third of the cells generated under stress had survived. Long-term survival of nerve cells was also compromised: When Peterson's team marked newborn cells in the hippocampus, subjected rats to stress a week later, then examined brain tissue at the end of a month, they counted a third fewer fully developed nerve cells.

"The next step is to understand how stress reduced this survival," says Peterson. "We want to determine if anti-depressant medications might be able to keep these vulnerable new neurons alive."

The work was supported by a grant from the National Institute on Aging at the National Institutes of Health.

HALA!!!!!! HOW MANY DEAD BRAIN CELLS THERE IS!!!!????

no apologies needed

i believe we would be filling this up with whatever will cross our heads.. thus.. crap! bwahahahaha!

i still listen to monster radio (remember dax and mam silverio) rx 93.1's morning rush! i still wasn't able to grow out of it i guess. chico and delamar seem to entertain me more and more! hahaha! maybe because i understand what they're talking about more now than back in my elementary days! hah! i started listening to them when i was in second year high school and to my surprise, that was their third year of airing! so, it has been almost 8 years already.. although i wasn't able to listen religiously, when it's time for their show and i have means to listen to the radio and choose the station, i would turn the dial towards their program.

i guess i won't be tired with their funny antics and how they view life and their points of view that most of the time i lack of! like all rushers, whenever i'm listening to them i would need to stop myself from laughing or even having that big grin, specially when i'm using my phone to listen to them! so far, i have been successful.. but it's really hard and almost painful.. hah!

i don't listen to other radio stations really, so, i'm not able to get a dose of their abuse of the radio industry.. haay.. i'll take your word for it, beng, besides, between us, you would be the expert here. haaay.. i really wanted to take up mass communication and really thought the fun that it would bring.. but oh, well.. engineering swept me off my feet that time. i guess, it still does. it's just too bad i still can't go back to school. but, eventually i will.. i hope.. whatever!

so, there, another crap.. let's just keep the crap flowing 'eh?!