something for me

i always have this dream.  this ambition. but i guess, i never really made it a priority.  at the back of my head, i was thinking that if it will happen, it just will.

i thought i took steps in achieving that dream, but as i look at them now, it all seems to be baby steps.. or easy ways.. and when of course i didn't get what i dreamed of, i just told myself, that i guess, it's just really not meant to be.

but i still never let go of that dream.  even if i'm not really doing anything about it.  and now, i'm sort of glad i didn't..

it sure feels like the first time that i've worked my ass off in getting a step closer to this dream.  i have defied my laziness, insecurities and finances (as much as i can).

i have been telling people, that i think it comes with age.. that maybe or most probably, time is running out.  this actually what made me decide.  that i should go for it.  no more excuses.. we no longer have time for that.  it's time to jump and take the plunge.

as the days go by, inch by inch i come closer to what would be the biggest reality check of this dream.  i can't dismiss the fact that my heart is pounding.. almost out of my ribcage.  and i'm scared that if it happens to crumble into pieces, i would go with it.

i hope not..

there are a lot of things i can tell myself so that it wouldn't happen.  but how do you really let go of a dream?  how do you stop believing?  when all your life, this is something you really want to do everyday.

try again?  can i still afford to?

i guess, if it would zap me into depression, it simply means that it's not good for me... right?

okay.. right now, what i need is to give it my best shot.. to avoid regrets and stop what ifs.  with regards to failure, let's cross the bridge when we get there.  i might write again..